Initial Start- Ramblings

My name is Laurie... my family mostly calls me Laurie Beth. I am here because I am a writer, and writing usually makes me feel more constructive. I am on this journey to drastically change my life. I have basically been a bigger girl all of my life. I've obviously had tons of excuses because in my 30 years of life, I have yet to gain control over it. I am from Texas, and that is my first excuse. Everyone is bigger in Texas, and boy people surely like to comment on that after meeting me for the first time. Yet, all excuses aside, I am here because I choose to be here. When a person is overweight, they are very conscious of their size. If they weren't, there are surely five or ten others that go out of their way to make sure that they are aware. I think family is the worst. It isn't that they are trying to bring one down. They mean well. They really do, but they feel obligated to mention it, at least two or three times during a visit. They might even try to put you on a diet with how they feed you when you do visit. Boy is that funny.

I'm not sure if people really believe what they say, however. I have always heard these same blanket statements, in some form or another.

"You have to make an active choice." 

"When you want to change, you'll do it." 

"No one can make you change; you have to want it and do it yourself."

If they truly believed it, they wouldn't tell me how I should do this or that so often, and they would let me just figure it out on my own. This is how I think about it anyway. After avoiding those types of conversations, I have finally come to terms with it. I can do this. I'm strong enough. I will do this because I want to do it. I want to change. It's not for someone else. It's not because I want someone to like me or I that my family expects anything out of me. I'm pretty sure they lost all hope for me being thin a long time ago. These are things that I tell myself all of the time. 

Now, like anyone, there was definitely a catalyst for wanting to change, but I do not think it was any one specific thing. More or less, everything just started to build up, like with my rainbow of excuses and negative experiences that bounce around my head at any given moment. I don't fit well in my clothes and I haven't shopped at a normal store in such a long time that I wouldn't even know what that feels like. I am severely limited on finding something that I feel makes me look good and feel sexy. My husband engaged in picking out a full-body suit girdle for me just before Christmas. I had to force the tears from coming until he stepped out of the dressing room. Clothes are not only harder to find, but they are more expensive. It's always a toss-up on which airplane seat belts will fit, and which flight attendant will give me two seconds of their time to bring me an extender so that if the plane does go down, I can say that I stayed in my seat because of the seatbelt and not because of my fat. I'm not being hired for the jobs that I am educated to perform. This isn't completely about my weight, but I know that weight plays a part in my interviews. I'm fat, not stupid. I have also struggled with infertility and other underlying medical issues, that happen to also cause obesity. Yippee me, but that's okay. I like a challenge and I'm going to prove to myself and God, because those are the only two people that matter in this self-preserving journey, that I can do this. My self-esteem, obviously, has suffered. There are many times that I feel confident and sexy and I don't let things get to me. But then there are other times when I'm an emotional mess. I blame my crazy hormones for that, and maybe my mother, just a little bit. I don't talk much about her, or at least I try not to, since she made it crystal clear she did not want to be a mother (to me anyway) anymore. There are all sorts of other reasons, like the fact that I am usually not comfortable sitting in a booth, I am already vertically-challenged and the weight just takes away those few extra inches I need for other things to fit well, and those mean employees at lingerie stores that are only nice when my hubby takes me in there. It probably has more to do with the fact that he's going to spend some money on me, but it's completely ridiculous to me when I think about the treatment I get when I am alone. Actually, the last time I walked through this one particular store, there were two female workers and they talked to each other until other people came into the store. They greeted them and were overly friendly while assisting with their purchases. Do they think that fat is contagious or something? Haven't we already established that it's a me thing, and I'll get better when I decide to do it.. yada yada? I guess they didn't get that memo. Oh right. Those only go out to fat people.

So... regardless of all of the excuses and my past experiences, I have come to terms with everything. I am not looking to live riddled with excuses or whining about how I cannot do something. I know I can do it. I'm freaking Super Woman, when I want to be. The great thing is that I learn well from experiences, and instead of taking all the bad life throws at me, I am using it to fuel my fire. 

Here's to me feeding my soul, and using my soles get moving, be more active, and make healthier choices. This is a long journey, and one that I had to initiate on my own, but it is worth it. 

This is my journey for a new weigh. 

Here are a few pictures of me over the last couple of years. 

October 2010

April 2011 with my Dad and Grandpa

I started out my journey in December of 2011 weighing a whopping 292 lbs. My initial goal is to lose half my weight. With my height, I should truly be a half-pint. My Wii Fit board says that I should weigh 116.6 for my height and build, but considering that I haven't weighed 140 since the sixth grade, I'm going to shoot for that number for my initial long-term goal. 

My short-term goals: 

1. I plan to be down to 235 by June 7, 2012. This will be my nine-year anniversary and that was my wedding weight. I would like to match it as my last single digit year. 

2. By June 7, 2013, I want to be down to my goal weight and planning a snazzy renewal of wedding vows. I have the dress picked out already! 

Here are the before and after pics for one month into my journey.

 

This is me now. I currently weigh about 265 lbs.  

February 2012

I'm getting there. This month has been tough, with fluctuations, cravings, and not as high motivation combined with some extra pain here and there. I'll get there and continue posting pics along my journey.